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i can breathe again!

for the past few weeks, it's felt like i've had gauze shoved into my sinuses. my lung capacity felt like some squeezy, wheezy dog toy...except i'd choke rather than squeak if someone squeezed me too hard. i looked up the prescription nasal spray i've been using, and apparently i have rhinitis, more commonly referred to as "hay fever." i would rather have "catscratch fever" but i suppose i have to take what i can get.

i consulted an older amie regarding the latest prof. h. situation, and she is very much of the position that i must ask him out for a situation that could allow for more intimacy, whether that be intellectual or academic in nature, or raw-n-sexual on the floor of some seedy motel. i mean, that would have to arise after presenting this more intimate situation as opportunity.

for example, if i said "let's get together to discuss your latest work/my latest work/polish-jewish relations/that massacre at katyn...but at a pub around the corner," it could lead to anything or nothing, right? but taking that step and saying, "here's the door...shall we go through it?" is the important part. or something. it all seems just so out of my range!

i picked up the latest issue of bitch magazine, which i had to buy right away since one of the articles inside was teased on the cover as "hot for teacher." it was mainly regarding the way gender influences the expression of teacher-student relations, and intellectual-sexual relations, but there were some all-too-familiar references included. every time i read about how normal or commonplace this is, or how often it happens, i get a little knot in my stomach...if it's so normal or frequent, how could it plague me to the depths that it has? you mean, there are plenty of spazzes in the sea? i am but one of many?

*sigh*

i know all this, of course, but i would like to ignore it. i also wonder about cultural differences - is it as commonplace in europe as it seems to be in north america?

there was also something in the article regarding the men=predator, woman=victim dynamic that taints professor-student relations, and that a male, not used to being objectified, would not take sexualization by his students as complimentary. rather, it attacks his ego in a way that leads him to question the strength or influence of his intellect - if women are merely looking at his ass during class, are they not listening to his brilliance? heaven forbid!

so i wonder about prof. h. and his perspective of me on many levels: we have a mutual ego-feed going on; our interests and enthusiasm feed one another's and we, in turn, feel interesTING and influential. OR, there is chemistry, further interest, but he declines to take the predatory position; not only would it be "an abuse" of his "authority" but perhaps he would be concerned that it would shatter my ego, and *I* would feel that my intellect was not what was interesting him at all! (heaven forbid!) OR, he sees me as atypical, intellectually assertive in a way that he would hope would make me more assertive and confident in my persual of HIM - maybe he likes being chased, and it makes him feel like the situation is NOT predatory in nature, or abusive whatsoever. and hey, the man's interests include the depiction of torture in literature, so there *could* be an angle that i could, uh, play with. after all, it is much more within my fantasy (but not necessarily my character) to be the seducer, the aggressor, the dominatrix. maybe i am being coaxed into expressing this fantasy...

mmmmmmmmmcoaxing-ymmmmmmm.....

i must turn off my brain. funny, i had a typo there. i typed "turn on" instead.