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my stomach has been on the fritz for the past few days..weeks..i can't even tell anymore. this is the whole "losing weight" part of breaking up, i suppose. or the impending sinus infection brought on by seasonal allergies. whatever it is, i'm having brain-tumour style headaches, acid reflux, puke burps (wait, is that acid reflux?), loss of appetite and general nausea.

add insomnia to that dogpile.

i'm at my friend h's for this week, i believe. we went grocery and liquor shopping last night. it's always easier to swallow with a partner in crime.

i saw prof. h. yesterday. can i just preface this story with how weird it felt? i still don't know if that's weird in a good way or not. just plain...weird.

i had to go deliver some laptops to our alternate testing site. nowhere near prof. h's general office vicinity, but as i crossed the road, voila, there he was. i felt a definite shuffling of internal organs and in my shock, and quickly devised my plan of action: do nothing. he had been facing my direction and *might* have seen me. i couldn't be positive as there was a gaggle of about 7 other pedestrians between us on the corner. i crossed the road slowly as to allow him to stride ahead, to my right. as i stared at his fine head, he looked into the reflection of the windows of the museum we were passing. i changed my focus to straight ahead so that he would not discover my crazed glances in his direction. he turned off, quite deliberately, into the walkway of a building, one that seemed to be an odd destination for him. it was so deliberate, however, that i consciously deduced that it was where he had been heading. instead of continuing up the walk, however, he turned around. i watched indirectly, with him in my trained SpyGlasses-like peripheral vision though i was seemingly faced straight ahead. it happened very quickly but after i realized he was not going into the building, i assumed that this was his way of letting traffic go and joining me down the sidewalk. i mean, THIS was the deliberateness of the move that i could recognize at the time. however, i didn't want to let on that i had seen him (i know, my god, it's so 7th grade...)

i realized that he was now behind me. watching my behind? i became quite conscious of our little switcheroo and the fact that now he had the opportunity to stare at the back of MY head. i nervously and slowly kept on the left hand side of the sidewalk, him behind me, to the right, and i walked along the lines in the concrete. why not seem quirky when all i was really trying to do was not fall over...

soon enough, he ended up right beside me on the sidewalk. i let about 5 seconds go by before the awkwardness consumed me, and i bit the bullet, turned towards him casually and said "hi, there!" or something equally benign. he looked down at me and said "oh, hello!" in a way that was not quite surprised-to-see-me enough. i mean, neither was mine, but that's because I WAS NOT SURPRISED. i would have indeed fallen over had i been.

the next thing he said was "i was just looking at that new building that went up across the road...so many new buildings, one there, here, there..." etc. what a masterful coverup, but equally lame. i responded with such clever remarks as "yeah...lots...new buildings..." maybe he asked me how i was, or maybe i offered my own excuse for why i was there - i was doing something for work. then after we had given each other these lame excuses, i nervously intigated even more nervous small talk. it was quite void of substance. he then looked at his watch (no! don't do that! we're travelling together! no need to quicken the pace, especially if you have time to STOP and LOOK at buildings!) and said he was headed for the HIstory department, as an independent study paper was late, then he had to (point in the direction of the library in which i work) do a powerpoint presentation. these were not only "this is where i'll be"-isms, but nice opportunities for me to ask proping questions, especially since he knows that i did an independent study myself, last year. but did i? no. i think i said "oh..." or "uh-huh" looking at him intently. i walked past the first entrance to work in order to continue our exchange, and then said "well, this is where i get off!" but i don't know if he caught it, i was most likely mumbling. then i double-backed to go into the library.

i was really struck by the "coincidence? or NOT?" nature of the encounter. i mean, it was certainly random for us to be in that place at the same time - though later i realized it had the very same pattern as our last random encounter. oh god, maybe he thinks i'm using "work" as an excuse to stalk him? well, he's kinda right, but it never works when it's intentional. only when i leave it to fate does it actually happen.

i woke up at 2 am this morning and spent the next 2.5 drowsy, pained hours replaying the situation. over. and over. and over. i'm reading too much into this, i would say, but then i knew it was odd while it was happening, which must have meant it was pretty odd, no? arrrrgh. i imagined him awake at the same time, also plagued by the awkward but pleasant nature of our exchange. plague you, dammit!

i'm such a silly silly girl.

but i kinda hope that he is just a silly silly boy, too.