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coffee. coffee and cigarette. makes sense. worked the last time. try it again. and again. and again.

gut rot.
stinky smoke. impossible demands on my fan. does coffee count for "take medication with food"?

pass-out tired. enough sleep, 7, maybe 7.5 hours. used to need only 6. 5. 4.

loose pants. illusion of looseness. loose compared to the buttons pulled taut, lines left around my waist, dents to accompany the scar-like stretch marks. not really loose, just more loose.

vitamins. should i take vitamins again? not eating so well...bought tofu, baby greens, and cheesestrings at the grocery store. could only eat the cheesestrings for the first little while.

don't want to eat. stomach says it doesn't want to eat. stomach says it wants to churn, to tighten, to squeeze up vomit or at least some stomach acid. give it more coffee. give it something to send to the digestive system to worry about.

sweat rolls from armpits down the sides of my torso, down to the ring of fat around my waist. blob. blobs. blobs of being. so used to it now, i mistake them for womanly curves. think maybe i can get away with that shirt.

reflection in a store window. profile shot, terrible. guilty. guilty of being delusional.

only in the dark. only lying down, when gravity shapes everything differenly. when i can't look down and have my view obstructed. why do i have to be on top? gravity kills when i'm on top.

i lean back. you lean back. totally connected at this point. siamese. your rolls, your blobs. they are curves. in the moonlight you look like a painting.

you smoke another cigarette, i smoke. we caress the curves of the glass, passing smoke back and forth. i don't mind that smoke. the fan doesn't need to be on.

i wish the jackhammer were closer, gently jostling my stomach. sometimes that gentle buzz from the outside detracts from the clenches and churns from the inside. sensory refocusing.

shower. shower all of this off. change, renew, start. try to start. things will happen today. deem that things will happen. what things will happen? there is always enough time. make these things happen.

just don't pass out tired. can't sleep when i need to pass out. think of the stomach. think of making things happen.

shower it off. shower it clean for just a minute.

but first, another coffee. another cigarette. another coffee with cream and sugar and another cigarette.