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it's quite incredible to me how two people can exist in the same reality yet have such diverging narrative recollections of that reality. and it doesn't matter whether "the past" refers to 5 years ago or 5 minutes ago; if there is a filter on the lens, the reproduced image will surely look different.

i like the person i am today. i berate my weaknesses, my insecurities, my illness, but i know that i am good. i know that i could still say to a jehovah's witness at my door my old line of "well, i'm not a christian, but i'd say i follow the teachings of christ." except for that whole nailing-yourself-to-the-cross thing; i don't really like that. or maybe it's not the sacrifice i don't like, but the spectacle. i guess it's not jesus's fault the cross was on a hill. or was it? is that just the story?

i mean, we forget that there were several other crosses up that day with all manner of the damned suffocating to death. was jesus really sacrificing himself, or was he just done fighting? he was sentenced, after all. where was the court of appeals? if serial killers on death row can appeal, maybe jesus today would have kicked up more of a stink.

i don't know, i haven't even seen "the passion of the christ" because if i had, i would know that indeed, he sacrificed himself for you, YOU, AND YOU but it wasn't really a sacrifice because the jews did it. i seem to recall that being the crux of the interpretation...

i feel like one of these days i'll be watching america's next top model, and it will break to a commercial, and it will be an attack ad against me with those ugly photos fading in and out and the ominous synthesizer in the background, and big quotations on the screen that say "...fuck you..." - nov, 2005 (because i'm sure i did say those words in nov of 2005, but note the ellipses both before and after) but i'll look so so so evil, and even *i* will just want to spit and say "damn, i'm not voting for HER!"