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i just wrote an entry but it was a little blah. a little incoherent, too. this impending illness is attacking my higher cognitive functions first, and will deal with my body later.

to be honest, i haven't been handling what happened very well. i have been telling everyone around me that i'm ok, and even when richard asked if i get depressed or anything, i had to stop myself from saying "no, no!" too enthusiastically. truth is, i get anxious more than anything. my stomach churns with random thoughts, especially ones linked to playing again. when richard talks about the "new show" we'll do, i tense up. when he asked me to bring my guitar to his place for a pot-luck on sunday, i felt that grip in my stomach. i twitch in my abs thinking about barrie. i nearly doubled over inside when richard mentioned playing there again.

i can't think of playing that club again. i feel really scared about it. i also worry about the magic that happened that night, musically speaking. we were ON. we did everything so well.

on sunday, we jammed in the unfinished basement of r.'s house, and everyone was dancing and singing, and just having fun. i didn't feel good about it, though.

look at what happened the last time everyone was dancing, singing, having fun.

i hadn't had such a great night as that. something in me doesn't ever want to have one again.