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i kinda wish this pain in my head was a brain tumour. it would provide me with such comfort and consolation to know that it was something ultra-biological, beyond my control, not a result of stress...

not a result of the stress that is drama-filled life. like, over the past week it just sprouted insanity. it culminated in getting ripped last night, but not enough, so getting even more ripped when i came back home. and crying. gulping alcohol, crying, blowing my nose. and more crying.

last night's situation was being a gay singles mixer night (not as gay as it sounds) with my friends-with-benefits-friend, a girl i had gone on a couple of dates with (then told that i would prefer a friends-with-benefits situation, even though i didn't really...but i needed to say something!) who seemed more interested in me than she should be (than anyone should be?) - and i knew that socks was going. what i didn't know is that socks' fwb-friend was going to be there. a fwb-friend who i would probably call HER GIRLFRIEND at this point, since there was holding of hands, and snuzzling, and thanks to my still getting the e-bills for the old phone number, nightly lengthy phone calls.

the great thing is i forewarned my posse of bitches that i would have to play it chaste that night if she was going to be there, since she had, not two weeks ago, told me that she couldn't hear about me dating anyone (even when the context was "it wasn't a great date"). but she didn't introduce me to this person, who had a resemblance to me in shape and form.

what she didn't do was dance with s. to silly songs, like "9 to 5" or ones that weren't familiar. she just stood there. i wanted to punch her lights out so badly.

let me say that again: i wanted to smash her face in.

because it was hurting me so incredibly...and it hurt me that i wasn't the bad guy. i'm much better at feeling guilty, doing things wrong, not being done wrong.

so i had a cry in the bathroom stall after dancing with my eyes closed to concrete blonde's "joey". oh. killer break-up song, that one.

the other aspect of the night was the propensity of slow songs for slow dances. so i danced with the girl i went on the dates with, and i could tell that it was a moment that was too intimate to be preparation for mere gettin' on. she was liking me something fierce.

and i got an email today that said that because she had a good time with me last night, she couldn't see me again. because while she could do a friends-with-benefits situation, she couldn't do that with me.

i thanked her for her honesty and apologized for being screwed up and wondered how the hell any of this happened.

i don't know what i want, but it's not this. it's definitely not feeling this way...