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what a feat.

i finally got s. to admit to me that she's been dating "a girl". apparently the girl is worried that she looks like me. good, she should be. i told s. that i could have rearranged her (or my) face that night i saw them together...but probably no one deserved that. (that's to make it seem like i'm not a rage-a-holic)

she really wasn't going to tell me anything, ever! and she would have been very happy to exist in a world where i told her nothing, as well! and funny thing is? i knew that! that's why i never talked about these things with her and yet knew that it was what she preferred me to do!

but she needs to know how much that hurt me. she was so blind...she kept referring to the "lanky blue girl" who was "draped" on me that night and acted like she "owned" me. now, i wasn't even with anyone that night, especially not lanky blue girl. and i didn't notice that she was eye-stalking me because i was too busy staring at s. and THAT GIRL SHE MOST CERTAINLY WAS WITH because they were holding hands, sitting on each other's laps, etc. she said "i was with a lot of people that night" so innocently as if all her friends sleep in her bed naked or something. i am sometimes astounded that she doesn't recognize my capacity to be hurt by her.

or her capacity to be wrong.

she has a legion of fans behind her telling her that i was no good, and she needs to do what makes her feel better, and damn me for being such a thorn in her pretty side, etc. and then? she fucks up large. she's been feeling terrible for the past week. it's called guilt, honey. guilt. learn it. live it. love it. i've mastered it, and so can you.

i still love her, and we're so tragic together it's worthy of a FOX primetime series ("the T.O." anybody?) but sometimes...i have to wonder.

i'm a little busy for tragedy right now, i'm afraid. i must read and write a paper. phooey.