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like a low e minor on a cello, the bow dragging on and on.

this is the feeling in my head and heart right now. this is the feeling i get when i am out of control, when life around me spins and i'm just...standing. this is my brain moaning "oh god..." just because i see an old person limping. me not wanting to get old and shrink, me not wanting to lose friends, me fearing that i'll screw up along the way.

fred handed me a pill.

"take half. see if the anxiety subsides. then take the other half, like, four hours later." i actually said NO to a prescription of anti-anxiety medication. no to drugs? that's not me....that's the disease talking.

the pill is burning it's little anti-anxiety hole in my change pocket, scrunched up close to my oversized yet empty belly. i can feel the waistband of my underwear fold over underneath the roll of extra fat.

my dreams are far too foreboding. for two nights, i dreamt of the Godspeed You Black Emporer! concert - trouble getting tickets, trouble getting seats, being there, not being there...the record store was metres away from my doorstep but i waited till last night to go buy the tickets. they were sold out. i yelled "FUCK!" probably too loudly.

two nights ago i dreamt of this page and it was wider, and had links to obvious people, people who shouldn't be reading. i read as the sigur ros chord progression penetrated my heart. how did i know?

why are you running? i wish things were different, stupid to say, but wholly true. i wish we could be friends. like, for real friends. not supervised. i wish i could tell you things...be ALLOWED to tell you things.

by the way, it's not the band i hate, it's their fans. (not the bands i have mentioned, though i do hate godspeed's fans for buying those tickets before me)

will you find it, whatever it is?

find some of it for me, too.