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oh, dear diary. can i trust you?

i think that my classmates are SO on to me. beyond "on to" me - they are at the "shameless testing" phase. i walked with two girls after class, and one (the girl who tried to trick me at the streetcar stop) said, "so, Hott was pretty cute today..." and despite the freezing temperatures, i felt the blood rush to my cheeks. i wondered if it would show, since i felt paled by the cold wind. i didn't respond, but found a suitable "in" when we discussed his name and its background. the subject quickly turned, and i was thankful for the escape hatch.

however, it got me thinking...is it THAT obvious? i talked to a friend this weekend - an older acquaintance who went to university with my brother and his friends - and she said that perhaps Prof. Hottie knows full well my feelings. she asked if i was particularly "smiley" with him, and i had to admit that yes, i am, but i think i would be in any case. she thought that my email telling him i had the video in my "hot little hands" could be perceived as pretty flirty, though i brought up the fact that it was an expression that elicited anxiousness, a la hot potato, not the hotness of my hands. though they are little.

he sat next to me again - note that *I* did not sit next to *HIM*. in fact, there was but ONE chair on my side of the square arrangement of tables, and it was the position that i always take. he just happened to get into the video-viewing position that he's accustomed to taking, and it just happens to be right next to me. with EVERYONE ELSE sitting on the other side of the square, or at the back of the room. hm. i am VERY aware of this...i'm also aware of the habit people have to "mirror" themselves on their object of affection's body language, positioning themselves the same way. i try not to do this. try, try, try oh my. but c'mon, there are only so many positions one can take while watching a movie in an uncomfortable chair! can i get a break here?

i was first in class, but that's simply due to the fact that everyone else straggled in...while we were alone, he mentioned a website resource for holocaust movies, and handed me a printout on the movie we were watching. i was paralyzed by the fact that he stood next to me to do so. i am so dumbstruck that i experience the pain of sitting in silence rather than make stupid remarks, not knowing which would be worse. i can't say "bye" or "see you thursday" when i leave class.

am i obvious?

i nod when he speaks - he makes interesting points.

i speak up in class - because no one else will.

i stare at his hands - well, just because. they are very fetching hands.

but! but i didn't stare at his butt when he was leaning over to fast forward the video. NOT AT ALL. howzat for restraint?

but my stomach has been flipping ever since this interaction. i was so socially retarded that i showed them my grad photos. i didn't know how to speak, how open or closed i should be. i mentioned that i looked "fat" far too much for a normal person. i thought, "maybe they've found my diary!" and all my mentions of competing for Prof. Hottie's attention with "biotches" in class...it's all comedic exaggeration! it's the comedy of ERRORS in my head.

i am a walking fucking error these days. ack ack ack.

however, i have been thinking of ways to deflect their inquisitive queries...mentioning my great big gayness, relationship, etc. will it work? do i want it to?

on a MUCH BETTER NOTE, i saw ladytron monday night. so good...so cute...and so tired by the end.