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something is VERY wrong with my life.

*s. misses me incredibly and is floating through her days like a lonesome ghost moaning my memory. i can't bear the burden of guilt for what i've done and what, it seems, i continue to do. i can't get better and i can't focus on things that REALLY FUCKING REQUIRE my focus as long as this goes on.

*all roads lead to prof. h - i got a nice email back from the potential advisor prof yesterday saying that he might not be able to offer any expertise with the whole german history/wwII side of my topic, but perhaps someone like, oh, i don't know - say, PROFESSOR HOTTIE would be a better choice? fuckshitdamn! so i wrote back and said, "ahhh, yes, professor hottie...i've worked with him in the past and while he might be my OBI WAN KENOBI and FUCKING HOT, he is not actually technically logistically practically able to supervise me on the *graduate* level, i believe..." so thanks for getting my knickers in a twist, yet again, dude. but maybe this other prof has potential, after all, he gave me his home phone number as the easiest way to reach him, especially in the evenings. i looked for a picture, but to no avail. alas! e. suggested i sleep with him in order to make prof. h. jealous. i think that's a PERFECT plan and EXACTLY what grad school should be all about.

*a fucking black squirrel entered my apartment about 10 minutes ago. i pop open the back door onto the deck to circulate the air every morning (and add more light) and i heard a noise...looked through my own room door and saw what i thought was a cat. it wasn't uncommon for cats to appear in that room, when it was inhabited by myself and my crop of catnip. i like to grow things, so sue me. but i checked it out and this little black squirrel ran back out onto the deck, and down the back steps. however, he wasn't as "ohmygod, ohmygod, i've been caught, she's going to kill me" as i would think a small fluffy rodent would be upon seeing a looming lesbian human approaching. so i talked to him (because i fucking talk to the animals) and told him that he really wasn't allowed in, because even though he's cute, he's probably raging with infestation and filth. and i really can't have that in my home.

then he had a little chase from another punk-ass squirrel, and he ran to some parked cars, and then this cat approached.

for a moment, i thought that i had just denied amnesty to this refugee squirrel and sent him back into hostile territory, only to be exterminated. (jewish refugee crisis of the 30s, natch) but i think the cat lost interest.

the cat was obviously not a nazi cat.

*so that's the deal with my screwy life right now. so screwy, in fact, that i felt it necessary to go to ikea yesterday and spend money i don't really have [yet] on home items, even though PRIORITY #1 is to PAINT said home, as that will make the place look faaaaaar better than any fucking kggiergiflo�ordyr could do

*and oh yeah, haven't heard back from prof. h yet. e. thinks that he like, totally knows that i "have the hots" for him. and possibly am stalking him.