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i think i need some attention. i spent far too much time this weekend wandering around by myself, and i was gripped by the familiar feeling that if i vanished during my "walks" then no one would notice my absence or even care. i would have a flash of enjoyment at this sensation, but the overwhelming sense i'm left with is pure loneliness and despair. hm.

how does it feel that s. is in a relationship...how does it feel...would smashing my head in with a hammer feel preferable to this? i think so.

now, of course, i "don't know" this for sure. but i know that she visits someone, has visited someone, that is - and was away the past week visiting her family, and the someone she visited lives closer to her family, and...

yes, i'm going mental. very much internally, though. i don't know where it is actually "going" in my system - perhaps those few tears i shed while clutching my hot water bottle before sleep, perhaps in the slowing breaths as fall asleep on my floor while watching repeated episodes of "the family guy" on my laptop, perhaps in the circles of smoke i blow while i try to get myself stoned.

am i suffering the typical? am i in a "i can't believe she'd move on without me" phase?

i imagine myself, 40 years old. i have a loyal dog. a sizable one. a rough and tumble dog named leroy. i am alone, living in wilno, writing random scraps. i sell my work wherever and whenever i can, but there is never anything coherent - never "the novel" or "the book" that is being churned out dilligently. just scraps of self. i have a little garden and have finally learned how to sterilize jars. at night, i smoke joints and watch...repeated episodes of "the family guy" and fall asleep on the couch. leroy nuzzles me awake and off to bed.

i see my own future sometimes.

my brother wants to sell the house in wilno. he keeps saying "30,000 for dad to buy a house in thailand," (i'd rather he drop dead before that ever happen), "30,000 for you to buy a condo in toronto - where mom can live..." (never mind that both my mother and i have said "but we don't want to live in a condo in toronto!"....the plan, the magical plan.

what was my plan? divorce s., then....then my life would magically come together? be sane, be solved?

no, i'm not under anyone's thumb. i am managing fairly well as an adult - paying bills, acquiring debt, working sporadically. but this is all shit. s. has found somebody new. i'm done like dinner for her, and yet, it's not over for me. i'm inpenetrable and incorrigible, absolutely unloveable, it seems.

it doesn't seem to help that i've gotten quite hot over the past few months. how does this work?