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i went to that film at the german institute after all. i rushed from work, biking through tourists and roadworks, and arrived at 7.35. the film started at 7.30.

i went into the "theatre" (very small, more like a screening room) and scanned the room with robot-like speed before sitting down, to be as inconspicuous as possible. he was not there. i wasn't surprised.

and the whole while, up until the moment that i knew he wasn't there, i thought "what the FUCK are you doing??" it was the most stalker-esque thing (ok, besides riding slowly past his office building, glancing up at the area where his window might just be) i had done in a long time. i mean, really - how would i have explained my presence, AND his presence, rationally? so i watched the film. learned more about german shit. left.

then this morning, there i am again. biking off to another film with the hopes that he might just be there. but it was a bigger screening and audience, so the coincidence would have been just that. of course, he wasn't there again. i got home, lay on my bed, and thought, "this is fate's way of telling me...that it's not fate. this is not the time." i thought about fate because i saw the modboy from one of my classes, who i see everywhere, and thought, "why do i see HIM everywhere, and not prof. hottie? must be fate."

(or it could be that he lives clear across town, has a non-student schedule, ETC. no, it's fucking fate.)

so now i'm reading polish literature on holocausty events, so some sort of question comes up in my mind. also thinking again about the strong possibility that grad school might be one of those things i actually have to work for, not a given. what? work for something? that's a foreign language.

oh, and learning a foreign language. my god. i have a SHITLOAD of work to do.