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i can't even imagine what november *really* feels like. it's so hard to tell now that i don't have the structure of school holding my life in place, though precariously.

i got two letters from the department of psychology. both were surveys for past professors, since they both want promotions. i thought about what an interesting system it was - i mean, one of the professors was on that PBS "Scientific American" with Alan Alda talking about his research - i think that in itself deserves a promotion.

i had one week where i saw three separate episodes of "Scientific American" with Alan Alda in three separate psych courses. i wondered what the hell i was doing wasting my money on tuition and fancy professors when OBVIOUSLY Alan Alda was teaching me all the psych i would ever need to learn.

i digress...

i quit the bike store. this is my last week and that's all, folks. my paycheque for november 1st was devastating, less than my rent, and i kind of lost my mind last night. the anxiety at being dependant again, vulnerable, insecure, uncertain - i couldn't take it.

there is a lot of uncertainty that i can't really take right now.

i wish it was as easy as saying "children. children. future. future. the children are our future, the future is a-comin'...yeah yeah yeah..." but it's not. (i may have used that simpsons reference before. so sue me, i like it...)

i had decided to take a year off after graduation, mainly to really nail the application process - like, leave NOTHING uncertain, have all my ducks in a row, eggs in a basket, cats in the cradle...hang on. anyway, it was to really get things in order. and now it's fucking disorder. i have no money saved - how? i have had no money to live! and i know that the application deadline is January 15th - for ONE school - i haven't even looked into other schools! and i don't even know when the school year starts - i'm assuming september but i could be so wrong! and the money for it all? ha! ha! ha! oh, i already mentioned the money.

and my pipe dream - going back to poland....where is that coming from? where is the reality in it? i have no fucking clue what i'm doing.

my gut is rumbling.