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without diaryland, i wouldn't know the date.

so my brother j2 (j1 is still here) has gone back home w/ his girlfriend. it was nice to have him here, esp. to have his stash of pot. i haven't smoked for so long and missed the wee little buzz.

i have this weird thing now where i can't smoke pot alone. i used to relish smoking alone, in a dark room, listening to music. if i had been born earlier, i think my formative years would have involved large earphones, a bean bag chair, and a woodpanelled basement. i envy the 70s stoner.

i went through a little period, perhaps when i was still working at The Crap, where i would try to get incredibly stoned, to the point of, um...passing out, perhaps. no, to the point of being completely removed from present surroundings and situations.

i think the progression continued to me smoking alone before going out with my friend H, who had given up pot due to crazy-paranoia it caused. when i tried to smoke alone at home, i would have half a joint, lie down on the couch and feel myself turn colours and temperatures. my stomach would protest and shiver along with the rest of my body. i would stumble to the bathroom, and see my pale dead face, and blue lips shaking. i'd often try to throw up, which would relieve symptoms temporarily. then i'd go to bed, praying for it to go away.

so that's my smoking-alone-thing.

it doesn't happen if someone is *there*. they don't have to be smoking with me, but just be in the same room. if i smoke with a group of friends, i'm absolutely fine.

i have an allergy to anti-social addiction.

how damn fucked is that.