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do you ever get the feeling that you are not being true to yourself?

first, you have to figure out who you are. then you can see if you are betraying that or not.

i think i know who i am.

i have always been extremely self-aware, and despite the confusion of knowing the complexities of one's self, it eventually leads to understanding. happy pills often help with that process.

i am an inherently moral person. i have quite simple, conservative values. depite my rebelliousness, i'm pretty conventional. i have conventional insecurities. i think everyone worries about if they are worthy of love, worthy of existence, if their ass looks big in these pants.

i exude self-confidence. when i speak, i choose my words carefully and people see this caution, this effort, as a sign of intelligence. i adapt quickly in social situations, making new friends and having in-depth conversations with the shiny-newest of strangers.

i do this because i was bred for it. my father is a diplomat. i have become the same. my position is neutral or mediative in hostile situations. i am a shape-shifter for all social situations because every 2-3-4 years i was picked up from my home and relocated to another. if i did not instantly connect with my new surroundings and peers, i would serve my term in that country alone, until i was moved onto the next one.

i have no one who has known me all my life, other than my parents. during my adolescence, i did a very good job of "moving" away from them. my headspace was an undiscovered island in the south pacific. full of strange and poisonous species.

i have low self-esteem, because i am smart and good. sounds contradictory, doesn't it? my brother j2 was probably dyslexic. an underacheiver of sorts. he is the most successful member of our family, because the message he was given was "do your best and we'll love you for that. just try." my other brother, j1, and i were given the message "i know this is not your best. i've SEEN you do better. you're disappointing me with this."

i used to look at the corner of the ceiling in a room and talk to god. i talked to god a lot when i was in the shower. god lived in the steamy corner of my bathroom, and he never made me understand any better.

i have lusted for adults since i was small. probably too small. i lost that lust through high school and was told that it wasn't normal to be "asexual". i had clung to that word like a sheild. i had a word. without it, i became the question mark again.

i don't like uncertainty. i don't like people making me feel uncertain.