�

acck! i recognize this feeling all too well! i don't like it! it's counter-productive and very very bad!

i'm having a slight attack of the melancholia lately. it might have something to do with the fact that the sun is disappearing at 4 in the freakin' afternoon. it could also be due to the fact that i'm 22 but forever 15. i really hate that one.

i am missing my teachers, for crying out loud. i'm missing the excitement of stalking them, memorizing their license plate numbers, soliciting advice before school, during school, after school...it has something to do with the fact that my current prof. for one of my history courses looks kind of like my math teacher from 9th grade. ok, she looks NOTHING like her, but is petite and has boring dark brown hair. ok. maybe it's the squeaky voice.

(you're asking, "why were you obsessed with this particular mouse-woman?")

i happen to like mousey people, ok?

9thgrademathteacher, let's call her Preggo, was swell. really really nice to me. enjoyed my ever-present company, and once made the remark that cemented itself into my desperate, clingy, and battered ego - "you know, talking to you is not like talking to a 15 year old 'kid' - i feel like i'm talking to a forty year old!" the air slowly inflating the limp, rubbery head on my shoulders...we were good ol' pals.

then she went and got pregnant. this became pretty common for my teachers. they either cut their hair short, or got pregnant. become a lesbian, or revolt! revolt! i think i gave off a fertility vibe.

she went and had the baby, leaving ME in the lurch (gee, thanks, lady! our new math teacher actually WAS lurch, as well...hmmm) and when she came back, things just weren't the same. having never quite resolved my oedipal difficulties, i was POSITIVE that she hated me because now SHE was a mother and could see me through a mother's eyes - as a terrible, ungrateful, horrible child, and therefore HATED me.

(i will direct you to THIS entry and merely state that i had ishoos. I KNOW.)

i think the last interaction we had was a letter i wrote for her saying that i was leaving for warsaw and talking about how my head was aaaaallll better, thanks to happy pills. when i saw her in the school office, she said "so, i got your letter. warsaw, huh?"

"yep."

"..."

and that was the end of Preggo and me.

but i forgot to tell you that i gave her a ring. what??? oh yeah. till next time, sucker...