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ONE DAY AND...ugh, not even COUNTING

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I spent the weekend at "home" in the country. My entire family was together and lo and behold, we didn't fight! My dad didn't ask what my plans were, or make a comment about my hair, or my weight...astounding. but perhaps he just doesn't care anymore. that's likely.

tomorrow night i am supposed to go out for my birthday dinner with socks. it's also her birthday. we haven't spoken since before the weekend; we haven't spoken in person for a long little while, actually. just emails. i didn't get a chance to go over to the apartment while my mother was down in order to move out some non-essentials (winter coats, etc.) so i feel quite disconnected.

while in wilno, i was often hit with the inner reminder to "call home" - and the realization that i didn't have to do that anymore. it was more sad than a relief, actually. "hey, loser - no one cares about your whereabouts ACTUALLY!" then i thought about all the times i would sit at the phone, not speaking, tears welling up...trying to talk my way back into someone's heart. i thought about the time that i had been standing at the phone, softly crying, for so long that my dad (of all people) passed and pulled out a chair for me. probably the most sensitive thing he's done in my life...i didn't miss those phone calls.

my brother is absolutely beyond redemption. we went out for sushi with my mom before we left toronto and he not only answered his cell-phone in the restaurant (thank god we were in a booth) but said "hey gorgeous" (puke!) and made kissy noises after he said goodbye (puking all over!) i think i turned on my "block-all-senses" mechanism so i would neither have to see or hear this display of wretchedness. does he not realize this schmoopy shit is HORRIFIC? especially coming from someone as self-aware as he? obviously not. yeccccccccccch.

my gut is a little anxious.

i'm nervous about tomorrow.