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heaven knows i'm miserable now.

how fucking romantic all the stars are out twinkling twinkling twinkling and fluttering about.

constant craving has always been.

did i ask too much more than a lot you gave me nothing now that's all i've got.

you ask me to enter and then you make me crawl and i can't keep holding on.

FUCK.

why would they play u2's "one" in shopper's drug mart while i'm waiting for a prescription that i can't afford, to cure an illness that i'll never get over?

why would they do that after i find a friend's diary, prompting me to write an entry about what a terrible person i am?

why would they do that when THEY KNOW that i have not been taking my happy-pills lately, simply because...well, i don't know. because i don't deserve them? because once again i'm under the mistaken impression that i can be happy without them?

this has been weighing on my mind. why they would play "one" amidst all the cheesy, terrible, horrible, crappy-ass christmas music. perhaps because they are all-inclusive. they are including the solitary folk in their audio christmas greetings of sorts. "oh right, let's not forget about those people who are alone on christmas...hmm, what can we play...ONE yeah that's gooooood..."

after reading diary entries about lovers leaving, love leaving, having love, being IN love...ican'tican'tican't.

today is my 10 month anniversaire avec la ladyfriend. she counts the months because deep down she thinks that they are milestones. she gets me things every month. or we go out for dinner. mostly both.

and i love her, i do, but have i become a creature of comfort? is this love i feel for her different than the love i felt for her two years ago at this time? when i told her that i was "crazy" about her, her girlfriend downstairs eating leftovers from our romantic-but-platonic dinner...

arrgh. my mind is goopy. i don't need to ruminate, i'm not ALLOWED to ruminate because that's where i get into trouble - excessive rumination is the lifeblood of my inner demon (not the troll, but the whiny kid...the whiny kid who has wet his pants and just SITS in it, whining crying sniffling) perhaps i should name these little demons. Troll and Whiny Kid will have to suffice.

she is my first girlfriend. i had one in first year for about 3 weeks, and i referred to her as "girlfriend" but no. she is my first, and my only - which scares me (and i can't let this on). we're moving in together in two months, and i'll be a husbandwife to her wifehusband. this is pretty cracked out if you ask me.

there is a woman outside walking backwards, talking to a small group of about 6 people. she is some sort of guide. a tour of little italy at 11 oclock at night in the cold. sounds like fun.

what am i trying to say here. nothing. just that being honest means i'm going to feel like crap.

i won't continue with this entry because of the tangent it has become.