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i have my graduation photos today, at 2.54 pm. is that the EXACT time the flash will go off? i don't know.

i've been wrestling (or wrassling, maybe) with whether to get my lip ring removed for the big event. part of it has to do with the fact that this is merely a snapshot of me at an important stage in my life, and i go through it everyday with this piece of metal "through my face" as it were, and damn my dad's squirmishness and embarrassment (even though these pictures are, in essence, to please him.)

the other issue is...i can't really get it out. ahem. myself, that is. now, this is not an unusual predicament for the pier-ced; the jewelry is fandangled, the positions awkward, etc. but i'm in especially dire straits since i attempted to put the jewelry IN by myself, which wasn't too bad, but then i tried to tighten it, too, and that kind of locked this ring in place. i know, i know, when you picture someone balancing their lip between the clutches of pliers, you can assume the next few minutes of the situation will not be good. and i'll admit, they weren't. but it looked MUCH worse than it felt. or swelled, for that matter.

i found my little stud, but now i'm wondering if i want a little spiky stud instead of the much more passive bead.

i'm also worried that the so-called "expert" will mess up in the lip-ring removal, too, and the pliers will smash against my lip or teeth or both, and i'll end up looking like a horrible freak - even more so - just in time for the picture.

and it also "suggests" that women ('ladies') where a white shirt or blouse. that sounds like a challenge to me!

but onto more important things....

...yesterday...

i didn't write after class because i had just resumed breathing. he walked into class looking tres professional, wearing a wool coat and light grey suit, complete with cufflinks and sensible tie. *ahghghgaaa* damn. he solicited my advice about which scenes to watch, since we would have to skip about an hour, due to the time constraints of the class. and THEN...he pulled up a chair and SAT NEXT TO ME.

***

(hence not breathing for the next two hours) i cursed my noisy, hungry stomach and tried very hard not to stare at his hands...though he played with the rubber band that held the two videos together. he shifted and cracked his neck subtley (in such a German neck-cracking way...) and i ate a tangerine, cursing (again) the seeds, and the silences in the movie, and my weird swallowing thing that only gets worse when i am nervous.

our arms, legs, bodies were INCHES from each other's. i was dying. some lazy bastard didn't offer to turn the lights out, but i suppose this protected me from added temptation. i was forced to remind myself that we were both at the front of the class, and if i were to grab his thigh and run my tongue across his neck, everyone would see. hm.

afterwards, he thanked me for bringing in the tape, saying, again, that it was a big help, and i responded in my usual "duuuuuhhhh, shore!" way. i walked home briskly, again simultaneously energized, depressed, and paranoid.

my first paper for his class is due tomorrow....