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man. i hate not having internet access at home. i feel like my arm has been cut off, and any time i want to use it, to say...open a jar of pickles, i have to bike across town. then i have to leave it where i found it. i CAN'T EVEN TAKE IT HOME, so, like, i have to take a pickle, stick it in my pocket or somesuchnonsense, and close the jar, then bike back home. ARGH, i tell you.

so. life continues in its suckage. i actually did some sob-induced self-mutilation last week, though it had to be extremely hidden so that no significant other would notice. she didn't, it's fading, life goes on. the teenager in me is dying to get out and, well, die? i don't know. it wants to be publicly unhappy.

i am working too much. however, it has finally paid off, in the form of a small raise. it was even smaller, but i actually had the balls to speak up and ask for more. and lo and behold, i got it! to me, that's just crazy. i mean, something tells me i should stay at a job where i actually have balls. um. i'm not really expressing myself very well, am i?

socks and i have been kind of fighting. she's been interpreting my caution as distance, and in turn, has been very aggressive with me. then passive. then aggressive. then passive-aggressive. a huge chunk of me, let's say, my ass, wants to just call it quits. the fun is almost *kaput* and we're not spontaneous anymore. we don't really have the time and space to be spontaneous, though. a big problem. she's going away for the rest of the week, and i have committed myself to working those extra days. plus, i'm rehearsing for a gig in november, and i really have to stop neglecting my schoolwork. add to that the disorganization due to the lack of time to organize oneself, and POOF. instant domestic discontent. people not eating well, tripping over household contents, being at home to sleep and watch the latest sniper count on the news...

i am ready to make changes. really.

can i afford them? hmm. don't know.

this is going to be a very very very long, hard winter.

ps - i think i'll start writing diary entries at home, or on paper, or something. i need to practice THIS lost art...