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well, it's been a week. i watched the clock obsessively last night. i thought, "one week ago, we were waiting to start our show. one week ago, i was sitting in the back room of that club, drinking rye & gingers, and she was RIGHT THERE. one week ago right now, we had no fucking clue." it went on and on in my mind. i woke up at 4.30am. "one week ago, i was sitting in the emergency room, having just told my girlfriend the news."

i sent an email out the day after the funeral. i had just meant it as an explanation of what had been going on, and why i might be in hiding. then i started getting all weird and sentimental and told everyone that i loved them. this is not a bad thing to do; it is also quite near to the truth (i think some of the people i wrote to would deserve my utmost respect and dedicated friendship, but outpouring of love? i might have pressed "send" a little too quickly. after all, this WAS a rather general bunch of people.) i must have freaked them out or something because i've only had three responses. this fine young woman was so kind to send me a note of condolence, having figured out what had happened by hearing the local news, and reading my entries. plus a note in her guestbook from me praising the fates that she couldn't make it that night.

truth of the matter is, if it weren't so darn "against the rules" of society, i'd be sending love notes to probably all of those people...i have a really sentimental, big, dumb heart, and i cherish people very easily. i often wonder if i'm obsessional or something since i think about other people during my day-to-day existence so much. do i fill other people's thoughts? do i matter the same way? i can't figure it out. people aren't as forthcoming with me as i am with them.

perhaps if we were still subject to natural selection, my predisposition towards vulnerability would have had me picked off by now. maybe people are just trying to protect themselves by not telling others that they care. i say, "screw it." i love getting hurt because i care. that blood tastes pretty fucking good in my mouth.

so there.