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we talked and talked, and sniffled, and talked. i told her that i knew that i didn't know anything, but that i wasn't ready for something as big as a b-a-b-y. not like, in 2 years. i didn't say that maybe 10 years was a better bet. i didn't say that.

i didn't really say that i had come up with a contingency plan, and it looked good. i didn't say that maybe i feel bored or trapped, too.

i said that i think i love her too much. why? because i'm willing not to say much of anything. i'm willing to do almost whatever it takes to keep her in my life this way. i'm willing to turn a blind eye to her own wandering eye. i'm willing to believe her. that's why. but i didn't say that, either.

that doesn't mean i'm lying to her, or not accounting for her worries. on the contrary. i'm almost TOO ready to accomodate her. but i can't. she's crazy, i tell you. and my resistance to her craziness is actually a good thing for both of us.

i am far too strong inside these days. i am zen-like when it comes to my fate. i am just about ready for anything.