�

i'm nervous.

my stomach has started its slow churn. i've been searching the library catalogue for the past 30 minutes or so to feel academic. write down call numbers, look up articles, tell yourself you will read it all this weekend. yes, yes.

i had a chat with P., one of the advisors. it started out with my glee of meeting with Prof. H today - she asked if there was a picture and i obliged, leading her to his webpage. she said he looked a bit older than she thought - but he was handsome. and as i gushed about his endearing nervousness, and his accent, she squealed in understanding. i was discussing boundary violation - what, she thought it might be a bit weird that i was giving him posters from my trip to poland? but i always give gifts - i'm a giver! that's me!

and of course we got onto the topic of fred. she, as a counsellor, albeit not a therapist or even a "social worker" per se - was horrified at his boundary violations. she even resorted to saying "this is fucked up, k." and i had to giggle at my own awareness of the fucked up nature of it, and the delight i ultimately take in that. she said that it's not helping me any...as much as i might enjoy it, it's not helping. there's gotta be another way. another shrink.

i laughed and laughed at her horror.

why, give up fred?
i couldn't possibly!
what would he do without me?

;)

**countdown, 1 hr 20 minutes**