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i think i don't really like this time of year.

i'm inevitably broke, unable to live out those dreams of absolute, unconditional generosity. lavishing indulgences on friends and family. finally getting my girlfriend a "big" gift, something that she'll cry over.

i was told by my work that they didn't need me. well, no i wasn't. i wasn't really told anything. what i WAS told was "we'll call you when there's something to do...maybe next week" several times. finally, a friend at work whose job is completely removed from mine let me know what was actually "going on." and it seemed that company life was going to go on without me....

i was really hurt. i had spent two weeks sitting around, getting increasingly paranoid about my position, if it existed, and what i had done to potentially screw it up. who was out to get me. to screw me up.

when r. called, i tried desperately not to cry. but i couldn't help it. when all of those paranoid thoughts are basically, well, confirmed...i think i would have rather taken the craziness over truth.

and now, i'm coming down off the edge of my anger. i was silently seething, vowing some sort of verbal revenge. but i feel like any effort would be wasted effort. one has to have a moral center in order for it to be affected. i'm just tired, still sad, but mostly disappointed - in them, and in myself for once again trusting something unreliable. depending on people, depending on my employers who smile to my face while stalling my chances of getting a new job, two weeks before christmas.

so i'm broke, i'm trying desperately to make presents with the meager creativity and supplies i have, and i'm waking up with the never-ending racing thoughts of those people in that company. i see their faces, hear their voices, speculate what they said about me. i wake up, i can't sleep, so i read about women killing their babies, just to fill myself with disgust for something different. sadness for something different.

i go to the gap and give them my resume, including my previous experience with them, tomorrow.

i think i hate this time of year.