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hooboy. i'm very very close to stalking at this moment, but not really. i'm in the library closest to prof. hottie's office, and i was previously loitering near the building where i thought he had a class...hyperventilating the entire time at the minute possibility of seeing him, and what would i do next, and dammit i have to go to the bathroom, so i might just end up peeing myself...etc. i really need to see him soon but i feel like i don't have a nice ready-made excuse. this needs to be a "bump-into" situation, but can i create that artificially? ok, ok. by the end of this entry i will have come up with a proper excuse that i can email. AGH. be professional, not creepy. i don't think that's possible anymore.

i had a bit of a pseudo-date this morning. i met a girl for coffee. i wasn't entirely sure why she gave me her number - if it was to ask me out, or ask me out as a friend (who does that anymore??) but i was approaching it naively, since my minimalistic ego was not allowing me to approach it otherwise.
"why would she be interested in YOU like THAT??"
"yeah, i guess you're right."
"dammit, when are you going to learn that i'm always right. now shut up and go back to staring at yourself in the mirror and crying about how hideous you are. do it!"

so we had coffee and talked about school and i gave her the run-down on my fucked-up family (once again demonstrating that i have NO filter) and she in turn let me in on her background, which was just as "different" but not as horrible horrible soap-opera-ish. maybe that was her filtering, though.

turns out she's in the same master's program as my best friend. this city is too small; even if you're an outsider you're part of the web.

(still no excuse. keep writing.)

something is telling me to just go to his office. just go, and if he's there, you can say 'hey, i was just passing by and thought i'd drop in..." then another part of me says that it would be really bad of me to do that. he'd be really busy and would have to find some way to tell me to go away, or that he's meeting someone in a few minutes, etc. or - gasp - that he would not remember me or what kind of stuff we had discussed. then again, who's to say he wouldn't be able to shut me down like that even EASIER via email? i don't know.

what if i worked the whole "my intelligence is dependent on your guidance" angle? i mean, professors eat that shit up. would it work? could i say something as casual as "my brain needs a kickstart before my trip"? how would i do that without a game plan?

think, you stupid girl, think....